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Don’t you just hate days when your self esteem is at 0? I don’t have much self esteem anyway, but then something happens/someone says something that makes you feel even more like fucking dogshit. Ugh. A wise man by the name of Jay Freeman once said to me “whenever you feel down, just remember you have alot going for you”. Well I try to live by that advice but, it’s so fucking hard sometimes. Feel so far down on peoples list. Being nice barely gets me anywhere, I don’t even know why I bother half the time. Oh yeah, cuz I have a heart too big for my own good. Fucking fuck, fuck, fuck. I wish I was more of a heartless bitch sometimes. Actually, compared to how I was a couple of years ago, I’m like fucking Cruella! Who knows, maybe in another two years I’ll be there. I just realised, I rarely tell people how much they mean to me, only when I’m drunk. Man, I’m turning into my dad…
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I can’t possibly begin to understand why or how people can say to someone they’ve been talking to for like a day that they love them, that they mean everything to them and that they want to be with them so bad…are you like 14!? Urgh, it makes me sick. People who say shit like that to a vulnerable young person should BURN IN FUCKING HELL. WHAT GOES AROUND FUCKING COMES AROUND FUCKING CUNTS. But anyone who actually falls for that is a fucking massive twat anyway. Idiots.
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Don’t you just hate those days when you can’t stop thinking about a certain past and person? Yeah, that’s me today. And feeling even more sorry for myself now as my dad just came home for 5 minutes and reminded me I have a selfish drunk for a father. Man, I can’t wait to be with my mum again. I envy thesee people with normal families who only have to worry about what outfit they’re going to wear in their next family portrait. They have no idea how lucky they are. Mind you, most of them are selfish, spoilt and have no idea what real pain and problems are, so actually no, I don’t envy them. God I hate people who just pick you up and put you down whenever they feel like it, and no matter how many friends or people they have interested in them, I know I’m fucking worth 10 of them, and that’s not arrogance, that’s not being a fucking selfish bitch. I know I’m a good person, and I will get what I deserve one day. All this shit that I keep getting handed to me in my life is just fuel for my journey. Life is mostly unfair, but there’s nothing I can do about that, so fuck everyone who can’t appreciate me, cuz I know I’m fucking better then that.
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I like to think of myself as a fairly understanding person, but one thing I can’t get my head around are whores. What is so appealing about having sex with different people each week? Some say it’s because they got hurt and just want to make themselves feel better but, how on earth does it make you feel better!? Sure, for that hour or so you are wanted and that might make you feel good about yourself, but the next day you’re nothing to anyone, jurt a memory of one night/day just like many others. People are not going to love and want you for having sex with them, as soon as the deed is done, you’re nothing. How people can have sex with people they’ve just met is disgusting, have you never heard of self respect and, erm…S.T.I’s!? Fucking eurgh. I’d rather be with a virgin then someone who has had sex with a higher number then their age. Or even half that. Eurrgh! I doubt fucking a girl who has had sex with more guys then she’s had sunday dinners is good anyway, just think about it…it’s like a balloon that’s been blown up too many times. Sex is good but why not get a friend with benefits instead of fucking everyone who looks at you. Jeeez. At least then you know yot won’t catch anything. Fucking vile.
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Fed up. I’m 18 and my life is a bore. Two years ago I started college, and I loved it. But as usual I got bored and depressed and just wanted to spend every day in bed. So I quit. Quit for fuck all. I would go back, but what’s the fucking point? The same thing would just happen again, because I’m just useless. But hey, atleast I’m not a teenage mother. Maybe they are destined to have loads of children, but if so…does that mean I’m destined to be a big failure and to die alone in this same shitty town having done fuck all with my life? Because so far that’s all I see for me.
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Got that feeling again. Wish I wasn’t so ignorant, always sad when I want a chat and no ones around, but it’s not like I ever make any effort. I am actually the most ignorant person I know. Also not happy with my dead end job and no career plan and my fucked up family, some people don’t know how lucky they are. I wish I had everything figured out already. Ohwell, lets get drunk.
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Hmph. Today I feel so at the bottom of everything, not good enough for anyone or anything, a big joke. I need to get away from England for a few months, I feel so trapped in ways. Argh, I have a pizza in the oven, I wanted chocolate, I asked my dad to pick me some up on his way home, but I guess beer and whores are more important so pizza will have to do. And there’s no sugar for a nice big mug of tea. Hmph.
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I have no freakin’ clue what the fuck is going on with my head lately. I feel like I’m here, but I’m not here. When I have a conversation, I can hear everything people are aaying to me, and I can underatand it…but then it goes. And when I think of a response or evwn just anything, it goes almost straight away, so when I go to say it, it all juat comes out in mush, and I sound like a complete fucking tard and I confuse myself. I’m constantly tired with no energy at all, yet I find it almost always impossible to sleep. My head kills. My eyes kill. Everywhere kills. I keep forgetting how to do things/what I’m doing whilst I’m doing it! My head is just completely fucked. It’s so condufusing, I don’t know what I’m feeling, am I happy, sad? I’m up and down so much I just can’t tell the difference anymore. Ahh, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?
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It’s crazy to think I’ve been more happy in the last few months than I have in the last few years. I’m so happy that part of my life is looking like it’s finally ended. Not going to let it creep back up…with any luck anyway. I hate not hating people who I maybe should have some hate for, don’t it just make you want to… I don’t know, just sink into the earth!? Hmph.
